Why I Almost Said No to Teaching Conflict Management (And What Changed My Mind)
This summer, one of my clients asked me to lead a training for high-level middle managers on conflict management. These weren't entry-level supervisors—many had up to 100 people in their divisions and needed to train their own frontline managers on guiding teams through tension.
I almost declined.
Why Conflict Training Makes Me Uncomfortable
Despite years of experience, I have genuine reluctance when it comes to teaching conflict management. Here's why:
Most people are conflict-averse. The majority want to avoid tension at all costs, letting issues build to such a boiling point that resolution becomes nearly impossible. They'd rather suffer in silence than have one difficult conversation.
Everyone wants a magic formula. People constantly ask for simple recipes or step-by-step processes that will somehow resolve any conflict. But I've learned that each situation is unique and far more nuanced than any checklist can address.
Big egos get in the way. Here's the reality: 49% of workplace conflict stems from personality clashes, according to the Workplace Peace Institute's 2023 survey. In other words, people just bug each other! Yet if managers lack emotional intelligence, they'll never be able to help their team members work through these issues.
The Foundation That Changes Everything
Despite my hesitations, I put together the training. But I started with three foundational truths:
Conflict cannot be avoided
Even the "best" managers will face it regularly
Conflict is actually essential for innovation, problem-solving, and growth—it just needs to be constructive rather than destructive
Then I made a crucial decision: we wouldn't start with conflict management techniques at all. We'd start with trust and team-building.
It All Starts with Trust
Why begin there? Because as I mentioned, half of all workplace conflict results from people simply not getting along. This breakdown can stem from many sources: team members who barely know each other, eroded organizational trust, miscommunication that festers into resentment.
Peter Coleman, professor at Columbia University and Director of their Center on Cooperation and Conflict Resolution, recently noted in a podcast that the increased tensions and divisions we're seeing globally only exacerbate workplace relationship problems. Trust is broken in America, and our organizations aren't immune.
Before our training session, I had participants complete a character, strengths, and values assessment—one that's affordable, reliable, and easy to implement. During our time together, we examined the results through two lenses: first, how this leadership team could leverage their individual strengths to work more effectively together, and second, how they could use this same tool with their own teams to build trust and collaboration.
The shift in the room was immediate. When people understand not just what their colleagues do, but how they think and what drives them, the foundation for trust begins to form.
The Data Behind Workplace Drama
After a short break, we dove into the framework for addressing conflict. Using the survey data I referenced above, we examined the top causes of workplace tension:
Workplace stress – 34%
Heavy workload – 33%
Poor leadership – 29%
Dishonesty – 26%
Problems with line manager – 23%
One particularly striking finding: women are twice as likely as men to experience physical symptoms—anxiety and insomnia—as a result of workplace conflict. The human cost of unresolved tension extends far beyond lost productivity.
A Framework for Healthy Confrontation
After breakout discussions where participants connected this data to their real-world experiences, I introduced a seven-step process for managing conflict. The foundation comes from Patrick Lencioni's classic The Five Dysfunctions of a Team:
"In confrontation, people struggle together toward truth, not only in business but also in marriage, friendship and politics. Nevertheless, good and bad confrontations are very different. Good confrontations are honest, open and goal-directed. Bad confrontations are underhanded contests for ego or power advantage."
The key insight? Confrontation and conflict are inevitable—and surprisingly, often necessary—to get to the heart of issues and move forward. The question isn't whether conflict will arise, but whether we'll handle it constructively.
I won't detail all seven steps here, but I'm happy to discuss this framework with leaders who want to transform how their teams navigate difficult conversations. Just reach out through the contact information at the bottom of this page.
The Results That Made It Worthwhile
The discussion was engaging throughout, with every participant committing to apply what we covered with their teams over the next 30 days. I'm genuinely looking forward to hearing about their results.
If any of this resonates with your leadership experience, let's talk about how I can help you transform reluctant managers into confident, effective leaders who can navigate conflict in healthy, productive ways.
Because when trust is the foundation, even the most difficult conversations become opportunities for growth.
